Crazy Is On The Bus, part 2

Jan 4th, 2011

by F. Grey Parker
Part 1 is available here.

Washington, D.C.

Hey, Washington! Crazy is still on the bus. The Crazy Bus is still on it's way and it is getting awfully gol-darned close. As a matter of fact, it's pulling into town today. This is going to be quite the hoedown.


Never before have I seen so many rabble-rousing yahoos trumpeting their love for the U.S. Constitution while planning a full frontal assault upon it. The good times are rolling in and everyone better hold onto their hats!

112th Congressional Swearing In

As we watch the ceremonies unfold, it might feel as if we're bearing witness to some weird wedding while the Tea Party darlings take the hand of our Capital. Yup. These are the "new traditionalists."





There's going to be "something old" ...in the form of attempts to roll back the popular election of Senators and the guarantee of birth-right citizenship.

There will be "something new" ...in the freshmen Representatives who actually believe that there are secret Muslim Sharia zones all over the country (especially Michigan, for some perplexing reason).

There will be "something borrowed" ...in the kinds of language about minorities, immigrants and women that we have not heard on the floor of the House since the 1930s and before.

Lastly, there will be "something blue" ...that will be the complexion of the body politic as these little dears choke the oxygen out our country.

112th Congressional Newcomers

Watch out! Here they come! Just look at 'em all scrambling for their lifetime government healthcare and pensions! They just have to get rid of the 80 year legacy of progressive reforms that built the middle class to feel like they've earned it.

That'll justify the backing of their corporate masters.

Can you believe it will only take two years of their devoted and selfless "service" before they get to live off of all of us forever?

Let's check out the highlights...

Rep. Tim Walberg

"Birthers" who endorse Presidential impeachment right out of the gate? We got 'em -- Rep. Elect Tim Walberg (R-MI)

Rep. Vicky Hartzler

Proponents of an anti-gay marriage amendment to the constitution and criminal prosecutions of women who seek third trimester abortions? You betcha -- Rep. Elect Vicky Hartzler (R-MO)

Rep. Lou Barletta 

Climate change deniers who also endorse shooting desperate Mexicans at the border? Absolutely -- Rep. Lou Barletta (R-PA)

Rep. Raul Labrador

A politician who regularly refers to the LGBT community as "terrorists," wants to ban the construction of Mosques in America, endorses the U.S. abandoning the U.N. altogether and thinks we should return to the Gold Standard? Wow. Found one! -- Raul Labrador (R-ID)

I gotta say it... I'm pretty excited. They're all so fabulous.

However, I have to take some time to give a little extra attention to three of the new members in particular. Through no remotely scientific process, I've decided that they just really deserve the love.

Rep. Tom Marino

My number one, no-question-about-it, personal favorite is definitely Rep. Elect Tom Marino (R-PA). What a guy. He has the balls to say the tough stuff that should truly never be said at all. He would have voted against extending unemployment benefits because people receiving those benefits don't "want to go to work."



Wow. You know how it is. Marino is probably right; The jobless are just scum-sucking bums.

Louis DeNaples

They aren't real Americans... Not like his mob buddy Louis DeNaples for whom he personally recommended a Pennsylvania state gaming license. Right?

What's that? DeNaples was convicted of defrauding the government out of half a million dollars in the seventies? Marino vouched for DeNaples while serving as a U.S Attorney and was forced to resign that position over the incident?


Who cares? Not the voters who actually showed up in November. Besides, I'm sure DeNaples' problems were really because of all those onerous government regulations that just get in the way of the market. You know? All those stupid, namby-pamby laws against fraud and racketeering?

My other two favorites are even more extra awesome and warm-and-fuzzy-type special. They are incoming Representatives Elect Renee Ellmers (R-NC) and Sandy Adams (R-FL).

These ladies have the courage to tell us that the most pressing issue facing our country does not involve the continuous decline of American manufacturing, the near decade long collapse of job creation, the well over 1 trillion dollars a year we allocate for defense (not including classified expenditures) or even the record number of our citizens going to food banks for the first time.

Nope. The biggest threat to future security and prosperity is that we might not be surveilling American citizens who practice Islam a lot more closely.

Here's Rep. Elect Ellmer's stunning campaign ad from last fall comparing the effort to build a community center in Manhattan to the construction of "victory Mosques" over a millenia ago.


An even greater qualification to uphold America's traditions of tolerance and religious freedom is seen in this interview with Rep. Elect Adams. She's apparently got the skinny on all those "Secret Sharia" communities in Michigan that I mentioned earlier.


But these two ladies aren't just one-issue-wonders. They have all sorts of neat views. Dismatle the Department of Education? Check. Abolish the FDA? Check. Institute the so-called "Fair Tax?" Check.

If we'd only have more women like them 100 years ago, we wouldn't have to put up with all these hysterical women voters today. You betcha.

It's DAY 1, kids. We have two whole years with these and other brave new representatives to look forward to. Sleep tight.